I am the mom. And I am the only parent in the house. Just me. And sometimes, I just don’t feel like enough. I feel sad about what my daughter has been through, sad that all she has is me, sad for all she is missing. And I feel guilty. Don’t we all? Not just single moms, but all moms. I think most of us live with some measure of self-imposed guilt, wondering if we do enough and do it well enough.
Well, the sadness and guilt lead me to give in to my daughter too much. I guess I was trying to make it up to her, as if letting her have what she wanted more often would make it all better. I want her to be happy and was trying to compensate for all the sadness she has already had.
It didn’t work. In fact, it made our home more difficult. No one was really leading. I was trying to have us work as a team without a coach. I can point out countless instances where it didn’t work. The one that is coming to mind right now is the ordeal of buying our Christmas tree. Should have been a fun, joy-filled outing. Instead, we couldn’t agree on a tree for anything. I was trying to let her choose a tree, but she can’t possibly know what is going to work in a Christmas tree. She doesn’t know how tall it can be or that a curved trunk is going to be difficult. That’s my job. So she kept wanting one tree after another and I had to keep telling her why it wouldn’t work. In the future, we’ll look together, but I will narrow it down to a couple of choices before asking her which is her favorite.
She needs a strong leader. One who can take suggestions and let her know how important she is, but also one who can lead in strength. She deserves that. She deserves to just be a kid and not take on any more responsibility than she should. I know it’s going to be a bit of adjustment as I correct this. But I am going to correct it. I am going to lead that little one in strength and grace and love. So she can just relax and know Mom’s got it. It’s all going to be fine.